11 May 2024 • PersonalWeblogPoMo

I’ve tried traditional meditation. I don’t care for it.

A lot of that probably has to do with my ADHD. I’m incapable of shutting off my brain for long enough to just sit still and not think about anything. Meditation instructors will say “but that’s the point, you have to learn it.” Which… sure, that’s fair.

But I also don’t care for the fact that “meditation” is considered sacred, and if it doesn’t look like someone sitting crisscross applesauce on a comfy pillow in perfect silence, then it doesn’t count. Fuck that.

I meditate 1-2 times every day, when I walk my daughter to sleep before her nap or bedtime.

During that time, my whole goal is to be a pillar of comfort and a beacon of peace to V. I’m not “pick me up and spin me around” Dad, or “chasing me all over trying to get me to brush my teeth” Dad. I am Calm and Comfort and Quiet and Peace™.

Sometimes when we walk, I turn on a quiet lo-fi chillhop playlist for us to listen to. Other times, I’ll sing. Sometimes, V will scream or cry or fight me the whole way. Sometimes, we just walk silently. Routinely, I work on taking deep breaths, and encourage V to do so as well in order to help her regulate.

Some days, I’m in a great mood, life is perfect, and the transition to this time is easy. Some days, V has been fighting us at bedtime, and won’t settle down. Some days, I’m in the worst mood imaginable, and I know that once she’s out I’ll have to return to whatever I have to deal with.

No matter what the situation is, within seconds, I manage to drop into a state I feel most who meditate strive to achieve; my brain calms down, I’m able to relax, and I can be that anchor V needs in order to get to sleep.

I may not be on a path to enlightenment. But my kid is asleep, and that’s a path to inner peace for everyone in my home. I call that a win.